The mind of a madmaN

I've been doing the "The mind of a madmaN" for a very long time. I've just never published it or called it that. Usually done on paper, or napkin, or by telegram, I'm finally bringing it to the compu-screen. It's basically a confirmation of my insanity. This isn't a joke. You won't go "ha ha, He's pretending to be insane." This is real. I am actually crazy and have done this activity most of my life. It's like what teachers called "brainstorming" in the 4th grade, where everyone wrote down ideas for five minutes, got fed up, and just started writing their freakin' paper. I forget about the "getting fed up" part, though, and I just keep writing and writing until I am satisfied that I have proven not only nothing, but less than nothing. Enough explaining. Here's The mind of a madmaN.

It's 3 AM. Why am I still awake? Why am I still making an effort to gently pound the shift key to capitalize my mid-sentence I's? Because I am an insomniac. Not really though. That's just a condition someone named Jake or something made up years ago to make it seem like he was "too cool" to sleep. Later, other people expounded upon this fake condition by saying they were "workaholics" and "think clearest" at this time. Lies. Why did I just look up the word expounded in the dictionary? I knew how to spell it. I mean, how many ways are there to spell EX-POUND? It's ex and pound. An ant! ..flick.. Why did that ant just make a sound as it hit the wall? That seems counter-intuitive. I wonder if he exploded...or just broke a lot. Do ants have bones? Seems like a whole lot of mush if you ask me. I'll google it later. No I won't. I can't believe "Little House on the Prarie" is on at this time. I don't know why I just said that. It seems like a logical time slot. I can't imagine it being on at any other time of day. I hope no one is reading this far. Funny story though if you are- For the first time in my life, an aluminum can failed to open on me today. I activated the lever mechanism, and bam...didn't open. I had to screw driver it open as I can imagine them doing in the 40's or in the movie "Cast Away." I wonder how many cans I've opened successfully before. Maybe millions? Probably thousands. I bet we'll know the answers to these questions hundreds of years from now when we have robot helpers that follow us everywhere and keep statistics on our lives and then shout them out at awkward times like funerals just to spite us. in sweet robot voice..."Stole from Aunt Bolinda's purse...t-minus...46 times" Future robots would probably say "t-minus" in front of everything because I can see NASA going straight to robot production once their love affair with space is over. Seriously guys, give it up. How many trillion on looking at dusty rocks? Don't even tell me. I'm still bright eyed. Not so bushy-tailed though, mostly because I've always drawn an extreme level of confusion from merely the image, followed by the vomit-burp taste in my mouth. Is vomit-burp hyphenated? It might not even be a word. I should copywrite it like "Ben & Jerry's" does with everything. Come on dudes, let others use the phrase "Chocolate Fudge Brownie." This is getting out of hand. I've got to put a stop to this. It's Nazi-Crush time. Where's Hammer?

Interview with The Kool-Aid Man--OH YEEAHH!!

Abraham Lincoln, Sam Houston, Woodrow Wilson. Martin Luther King Jr. These men all symbolize individual aspects of what make America great, but there is one man that is a foot ahead of them all- The Kool-Aid Man. It's no secret that the Kool-Aid Man is the sweetest, hippest spokesperson in the history of the world. That's why I jumped at the opportunity recently to sit down with this legendary icon of American history in an exclusive one-on-one interview. Without further ado, here is The Kool-Aid Man. OH YEEAHH!!

Mo' Shmo~ First of all, I'd like to thank you, Kool-Aid Man, for sitting down with us today. The people have been waiting quite a while for this interview.
Kool-Aid Man~ No sweat man, OH YEAAHH!!
Mo'~ Let's get the question on everybody's mind out of the way first. How can you consistently break through brick walls without completely shattering your body, not to mention spilling a drop of that sweet, sweet beverage?
KAM~ The kids need the Kool-Aid. I bring the Kool-Aid.
Mo'~ Interesting. Now, do kids actually drink from you, or are you....
KAM~ Don't ever ask me that again you sicko.
Mo'~ Sorry, Sorry. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Let's talk attire. Sometimes you've got the cool Hawaiian look going on, and other times you're a cowboy. Sometimes you're red. Other times you're purple. Sometimes you've got legs. Sometimes you don't. What's the deal?
KAM~ That's an easy one. I'm red when I'm on red-flavored Kool-Aid packets, and purple when I'm on purple stuff. I've got the Hawaiian clothes on when I advertise Hawaiian related Kool-Aid like "Tropical Punch." The cowboy outfit symbolizes "Rasberry." O, and I grew legs in 1994.
Mo'~ Um kay....Kool-Aid Man, you've seen a lot of flavors come and go over the years. Are there any that you wish you could have taken back?
KAM~ Back in the 90's, Lemon and Grape were some pretty bad sellers. I came up with the idea to combine these two terrible flavors into one, Lemon-Grape. Bad idea. It tasted worse than vomit. Ask a 19+ year old relative about it. Actually, don't man. It will only bring up memories of birthday parties gone awry...way awry.
Mo'~ So Kool-Aid Man, any ladies in your life right now?
KAM~ I had a wild fling with Raggedy Ann in the 80's. I think she died though like between 1988 and 1992.
Mo'~ It seems like you've trimmed down over the years. Is this a result of media propaganda, expressed through the constant bombardment of images of America's thin, almost emaciated youth, expounded upon by new medical procedures to reshape the human body, most recently gastric bypass surgery, commonly refered to as "stomach stapling," or is it your own attempts through a vigorous exercise routine combined with regular vitamin supplements and a healthy diet of foods including spinach, celery, and, of course, Kool-Aid?
KAM~ OH YEAAHH!!
Mo'~ Actually, I dont think you underst...
KAM~ Yes I did. OH YEAAHH!!
Mo'~ Kool-Aid Man, There have been rumors that your product is nothing but a packet of sugar, coated with a cheaply manufactured artificial flavor. How do you respond?
KAM~ That's it. I'm out of here.

Just then the Kool-Aid Man jumped through a nearby brick wall, and he was gone. I'll never forget the times we had, the questions I asked. Though it didn't end in the way I had always dreamed, the Kool-Aid Man will, in my mind, continue to be a great American icon and a role model for generations to come.

Umbrellas = Your Future

I don't understand the deal with umbrellas. They're all designed exactly the same way. A long time ago, some guy name Fred or something came up with this elaborate contraption with of a thousand metal pieces and fabric, and invented a swift motion using a button, and the umbrella was born. And then as medicine, art, gambling, highway construction, and everything else in the world evolved, every person that designed an umbrella after Fred designed their umbrella exactly the same way. Except they put a duck on the handle or changed the shape of the button or something. Is there no other way to contruct a water/sun shielding device than with one that is essentially broken when one of the thousand pieces snaps. Why don't they make it better? I'll tell you why.-Commies. Let's look at some major countries who manufacture umbrellas. Number 1-China. China might as well control positions 2-10 also, because of their utter stranglehold on the umbrella market. Is this surprising? Of course not. In fact, if I lived in China, I wouldn't make anything better either. An old wise man once told me that the reason scientists haven't found a cure for cancer is because if they did...they would be out of a job after they found it. This is, of course, absurd, because if a scientist did cure cancer, he would be wiping his bottom with Benny Frank's for the rest of his life, but lets replace the word "cancer" with "umbrellas" in this instance, and "scientists" with "little men." The statement now reads "The reason little men haven't found a cure for umbrellas is because if they did...they would be out of a job after they found it." The cure in this instance, is perfection. If an umbrella was perfected, people would only buy one in their entire lives. The umbrella market would crash and China would be out of business. The United States, in Superman-like fashion, would send over billions of dollars to restore the ailing country's economy, and consequently, would be hated by 1/6 of the world. What did we learn today? Don't take too good of care of your umbrella. Our future depends on it. O, and Vote Bush in '04. go usa.

The Worldwide Debut of "The Top 7 List"

This man was recently spotted at the latest installment of NC State's annual Spring Football game. As David Letterman gives a "Top 10 List" that grows incredibly dry and therefore overcompensating in the arena of humor, I have stolen this idea, but have condensed it to a "Top 7" to account for the flaws in the original. Without further ado, I present "The Top 7 Things this Man is Thinking About While Viewing the NC State Spring Football Game"

"The Top 7 Things this Man is Thinking About While Viewing the NC State Spring Football Game"

7. Today, I'm going to go by "Jack." Tomorrow will be a new day.
6. My face is so symmetrical. Why does Chippendales keep declining my applications?
5. Go Buckeyes! I mean...Go Buck...I mean pack....go.
4. I miss Hammer pants.
3. I wonder if my hair insert at the brim of my hat is saying to the ladies, "It looks like I'm stuck in the 80's, but I'd like to be stuck on you."
2. Surely eligibility of certain players can be increased to, say, five years. I mean,...Chris Weinke played for like 8 years. Look, If OJ can get off... I LOVE YOU PHILLIIIIIIIIPP!!!
1. Dr. G is right. I do look like the product of Drew Carey's wild night of passion with the Kool-Aid Man.

Check Back soon for more Top 7's.

Horse Racing...pschhhh

Something has been on my mind all weekend, and the first part of this week, and I'm finally going to get it out. I have respected horse racing every day of my life...up until the Belmont Stakes on June 5, 2004. In case you've been under something large, and rock-like, Smarty Jones was the favorite. Coming off very impressive wins in the Derby and Preakness, this horse was incredible. Most horses of equal magnitude in past years come into the race with odds of 3:1 or 2:1, or if they're really good, even. Smarty Jones was a racing sensation, though. When the booths were closed, he came in with 1:5 odds. 1...to freaking...5. As the horses crossed the line in the end though, Smarty Jones came up short. A second-place finish. He was beaten by a no-name. His name even slips my mind now as I'm writing. I'll have to look it up later on ESPN.com. The most trite, yet surprisingly thrilling part comes up next. This is when the horseriding, 20-something year old blonde NBC reporter named Bridget or something interviews the winning jockey, and also, in this year's case, Smarty Jones's midget. I will never forget what the winning jockey (pictured above) said. Here come the quotes: "I'm very sorry for Mr. Servis and all the connections for Smarty Jones, but I had to do my job...I'm very sorry it had to be me." Now kids, this is the point of my passage: Don't ever be sorry for winning. Don't EVER be sorry for winning. This is not the American way. You know what way this is?- the French way. The flaky, cowardous, stuck up, snobby French way. Alright, lets let the stereotypes be. This is really not the way to behave when you win. It was America's horse? My goodness. As the winner, Birdstone (thanks E-rock), took the winner's circle, he was booed by the crowd. Completely unacceptable. Thanks for the memories horse racing, because that's all they're going to be from now on.

Goodbye Mr. Reagan, and Thanks.

Ronald Reagan
1911-2004
There are few people that have affected me more than Ronald Reagan. Even though I was barely born by the time he was just leaving the office of the presidency, I can say that Ronald Reagan has made a profound impact on my life and way of thinking. Not only president of the United States, but an actor, writer, governor and radio announcer, he's done a little bit of everything. The thing I like most about Ronald Reagan, though, is his incredible wit. Being strictly an observer of his achievements rather than witness, I'll never forget one of the first quotes I ever read. And that was "You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans." I couldn't believe that someone in a profession dominated by uptight and bland scoundrels had said something like this. Ronald Reagan led a life of charm and goodwill. He made people happy, yet he put his foot down when the right thing needed to be done. Most importantly, he sincerely cared. Ronald Reagan, you are my hero.

I Can't Remember the Last Time I Crossed My Eyes

I can't remember the last time I crossed my eyes, and felt that rush of the double image, the power behind engaging in the forbidden. I can't remember the last time I said "You touched it last" or "I'll be your best friend." Almost assuredly, the latter phrase was followed by "Then we're not friends anymore." I can't remember the last time I glued glue to myself just to peel it off. Nor can I can remember the last time I gave the glue to Dean Brown to eat. I can't remember the last time I walked in a line, or sat in the exact same spot next to the exact same person I didn't like very much at lunch. I can't remember the last time the "Be Quiet StopLight" turned red at lunch, nor the last time we deceptively played on its mechanical flaws during yellow. I can't remember the last time I got sweet ass Power Ranger gear and action figures for Christmas, and then lied and said "a boombox" in journal entries called "What I got for Christmas" (back when it was ok to call it "Christmas" Break). I can't remember the last tooth I pulled out of my mouth under my own freewill. I can't remember the last time I made a snow angel. I can't remember my last dinner at Golden Corral under age 12. This was right around age 14 or 15, but I really can't remember. I can't remember the last person I'd met with green or purple hair, (you know, a color towards the shorter end of the spectrum), whose political and social views I took seriously and I assumed well founded. I can't remember the last time I held a steering wheel at 10 and 2, or the last time I ate Grapenuts.
You might be wondering what the point of all this reflection is. It's just good sometimes to take a look back at your past, at the mistakes, at the oddities. But just like crossing your eyes, you don't want to do it too long, because you know what happens...

Rules for Waving at Strangers

There comes a time in all of our lives when we feel we must wave to people we do not know. This realization came to me today as I was driving down the road in my muscle car, a 2002 Dodge Neon. That's when, as I looked ahead, I saw another '02 Dodge Neon, of the same color: slate blue. Just then, the voice in my head alerted me that I should wave at this fellow when I passed. Not because I knew him, not because I was alerting him of a nearby cop, but because at some point in our lives, we had both made a conscious decision to buy the exact same car- a big feminine, but dependable, Neon. I don't know if others engage in this practice or not, but it's given me the opportunity to gage when and when it is not appropriate to wave at strangers.

Appropiate~Waving to babies.
Babies are the shallowest form of man. This is mostly by creation, not choice. Make sure you're not ugly though. Babies hate that crap.

Inappropriate~Waving to homeless people.
Waving to homeless people only encourages their addiction to alcohol and reminds them of the days when they were a big stock trader on the Wall Street floor and had to wave and signal to each other, only to have it all come to an end in 1999.

Appropriate~Waving to mascots, fictional characters, or guys in Uncle Sam suits on the side of the road advertising a local carwash for $5.50 an hour.
These people have it coming. Make sure your waves are sarcastic, and be sure to include lots of slurs. Nothing too bad though. Kids might be around. Kids are the future.

Inappropriate-Waving to midgets.
Contrary to what our minds might know and think to be true, midgets are not babies. They are grown-up babies. They might seem like they should be squeezed or cuddled, but this is not a good idea. Midgets can operate guns...and chainsaws

Appropriate~Waving to taxi drivers, auctioneers, Mexican road workers, and prostitutes.
This is a part of their job. Without your waves,...they are nothing.

Inappropriate-Waving to blind men.
Don't wave, not because they're blind, but because you're not blind.

Appropriate-Waving to monkeys.
*See waving to babies

Inappropriate-Waving to fish.
Don't get me started about people that wave to fish. Dolphins are included in this category. They don't understand what you're doing. You're not "getting on their good side" by waving. So stop it, slick.


Whether or not it is appropriate to wave at people that drive the same car as us, we'll probably never know. Try it out sometime though, and feel the rush. You'll thank me later, or not...whichever.