Interview with The Kool-Aid Man--OH YEEAHH!!

Abraham Lincoln, Sam Houston, Woodrow Wilson. Martin Luther King Jr. These men all symbolize individual aspects of what make America great, but there is one man that is a foot ahead of them all- The Kool-Aid Man. It's no secret that the Kool-Aid Man is the sweetest, hippest spokesperson in the history of the world. That's why I jumped at the opportunity recently to sit down with this legendary icon of American history in an exclusive one-on-one interview. Without further ado, here is The Kool-Aid Man. OH YEEAHH!!

Mo' Shmo~ First of all, I'd like to thank you, Kool-Aid Man, for sitting down with us today. The people have been waiting quite a while for this interview.
Kool-Aid Man~ No sweat man, OH YEAAHH!!
Mo'~ Let's get the question on everybody's mind out of the way first. How can you consistently break through brick walls without completely shattering your body, not to mention spilling a drop of that sweet, sweet beverage?
KAM~ The kids need the Kool-Aid. I bring the Kool-Aid.
Mo'~ Interesting. Now, do kids actually drink from you, or are you....
KAM~ Don't ever ask me that again you sicko.
Mo'~ Sorry, Sorry. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Let's talk attire. Sometimes you've got the cool Hawaiian look going on, and other times you're a cowboy. Sometimes you're red. Other times you're purple. Sometimes you've got legs. Sometimes you don't. What's the deal?
KAM~ That's an easy one. I'm red when I'm on red-flavored Kool-Aid packets, and purple when I'm on purple stuff. I've got the Hawaiian clothes on when I advertise Hawaiian related Kool-Aid like "Tropical Punch." The cowboy outfit symbolizes "Rasberry." O, and I grew legs in 1994.
Mo'~ Um kay....Kool-Aid Man, you've seen a lot of flavors come and go over the years. Are there any that you wish you could have taken back?
KAM~ Back in the 90's, Lemon and Grape were some pretty bad sellers. I came up with the idea to combine these two terrible flavors into one, Lemon-Grape. Bad idea. It tasted worse than vomit. Ask a 19+ year old relative about it. Actually, don't man. It will only bring up memories of birthday parties gone awry...way awry.
Mo'~ So Kool-Aid Man, any ladies in your life right now?
KAM~ I had a wild fling with Raggedy Ann in the 80's. I think she died though like between 1988 and 1992.
Mo'~ It seems like you've trimmed down over the years. Is this a result of media propaganda, expressed through the constant bombardment of images of America's thin, almost emaciated youth, expounded upon by new medical procedures to reshape the human body, most recently gastric bypass surgery, commonly refered to as "stomach stapling," or is it your own attempts through a vigorous exercise routine combined with regular vitamin supplements and a healthy diet of foods including spinach, celery, and, of course, Kool-Aid?
KAM~ OH YEAAHH!!
Mo'~ Actually, I dont think you underst...
KAM~ Yes I did. OH YEAAHH!!
Mo'~ Kool-Aid Man, There have been rumors that your product is nothing but a packet of sugar, coated with a cheaply manufactured artificial flavor. How do you respond?
KAM~ That's it. I'm out of here.

Just then the Kool-Aid Man jumped through a nearby brick wall, and he was gone. I'll never forget the times we had, the questions I asked. Though it didn't end in the way I had always dreamed, the Kool-Aid Man will, in my mind, continue to be a great American icon and a role model for generations to come.