Celebrity Elimidate

Television can be a wonderful outlet for drama, comedy, news and so much more, but there are times when television fails on us. When I think of the worst show on television, I think of a show that not only promotes nothing but negative values and potty mouths, but is all-around "forced" in delivery and presentation. The show I'm talking about is probably pretty obvious: Elimidate. If you haven't seen Elimidate, you're missing out, my friend. Stay up until midnight one weekday, flip over to WGN, and prepare to feel better about yourself and your lifestyle. The premise of the show is simple, yet ridiculous. Go on a date with four people. Little by little, the field is narrowed, until at the end of the 30 minute show, your perfect, one-and-only someone, match is found. Now that I have established the worst show ever made, I want to go beyond the bar: How can this show be any worse? Bingo- Celebrity Elimidate. Let's meet the contestants.

And in Elimidate fashion, here is the lady contestant, who is the most perfect person in the world. Surprisingly, there is a different "most perfect person in the world" every show.


Round 1


Round 1 usually takes place in an environment dominated by competition. Today is no exception. We'll be in a gym, and the fitness instructor is milking every second out of his 3 minutes of fame.


Mr. T, Volleyball Instructor

This is where we get a first glimpse at the assertiveness of each contestant. The most diligent will speak up first and try to be on Debbie's team. In this case, it's that wacky Screech and the showstopper, Regis Philbin. The Pope has yet to speak so far on the date. He and the Cryptkeeper are stuck with Coach T.


It doesn't take Regis Philbin long to make an ass out of himself. Screech counters by dropkicking him and then making a funny face. At the end of the volleyball session, Debbie must choose who is the first to go.



Round 2


In Round 2, the punches continue to fly, as each contestant makes condescending comments about how the other's career is "falling into an inescapable pit of scandal" or "becoming an embarrassing display of "bit" movie parts, caused by early career typecasts." Debbie interrupts though, and poses a question for each of the men.





Round 3


On Elimidate, Round 3 can always be summed up by the following formula:

A jacuzzi + Bud Lite = Instant Satisfaction


This doesn't last long, though, as the contestants remember they have to verbally bash each other and constantly make comments about how rich they are or how much of a slut the other is.



Regis Philbin and Screech then see how far they can slam their tongues down Debbie's throat, and as always on Elimidate, someone will bring up a threesome. In this case, it's Regis Philbin. It always happens. Keep an eye out.

Now its time for the final elimidation. Let's see what Debbie has to say.



After-Interview with Screech.


The match is made and the show is now over. And if you haven't been completely repulsed by the actions of members of the human race, the final picture usually goes something like this...



Maybe they're making popcorn together and are about to watch "Sleepless in Seattle." That's why the cameraman can't enter; because they'll have to gain the copyright privileges from the people at Columbia Tristar. Yeah, that's it. Take care folks, and tune in next time. Actually, don't. You're conscience will thank you for it.