How to Spot a Douchebag on Facebook

I know a lot of you read the title of this blog and thought "DOUCHEBAGS ON FACEBOOK? Aren't there like 50 times as many douchebags on MySpace? You're way off base here, Mo." This is a valid point. From my perspective, MySpace is a lost cause...a cesspool of fake hot girls and weird guys who message them. Facebook still has a chance though. I believe in it, and we have to fight for it before it is lost to the douchebags of the world.

So I've put together a guide to help you better identify these douchebags of Facebook. Let's start with a classic DB thumbnail:

"This looks like an upstanding citizen with a diversified stock portfolio, vintage collection of fine wines, and a good head on his shoulders," you might be saying to yourself. Don't be fooled, reader. After some careful research, I have determined that this fellow is, in fact, a douchebag. Let's take a look at the evidence:



Exhibit A: Ridiculous Haircut
A douchebag is drawn to a ridiculous haircut like a leprechaun in a rainbow factory. DB's have little to offer to conversations, so to compensate they do what they know best: Steer the conversation to themselves and their wacky-ass haircuts.

Exhibit B: Non-Mustache Facial Hair
The "d-bag tag" has stormed the world over as a clear and undeniable symbol for the common douchebag. Remember...the thinner, the douchier.

POP QUIZ:
Based on what you've learned about douchebag facial hair, which group below contains douchebags?



Scroll over the text below for the correct answer.

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The correct answer is Group A. If you guessed Group B (which if you hadn't noticed is 4 identical pictures of American hero Tom Selleck) go back to the beginning of this article and reread because you have obviously learned nothing.

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Exhibit C: Impromptu Muscle Flex

which can easily be married with...

Exhibit D: Size:Small Shirt
Both of these factors revolve around the same thing: Douchebags love to get buff and let people know about it. The smaller and tighter the shirt, the better. These guys are easy to spot at the gym. They are the ones making so much noise while lifting weights.

And perhaps the saddest exhibit of all...

Exhibit E: The Unknowing Virgin
The unknowing virgin will have lost the battle before she even knows what hit her. Douchebags hunt them down like a 3-legged zebra at a cheetah party. Please alert your local virgin to the dangers of douchebags and the havoc they bring.


Now let us explore some of the Facebook profile information associated with a douchebag.



Don't be fooled by some of the carefully selected job lingo the DB may use to describe what he does. First identify the name and business practices of the company. In this case, it's Netflix, the mail-order movie company. Respectable enough, but check out the job title: Content Acquisition Specialist. This dude is obviously the guy who receives return-movies in envelopes. Also notice the warlock tricks of the douchebag: He claims to work at the "Corporate Office" and as always....is a total douche about it.

Finally, if all else fails in trying to identify a douchebag, remember this: Douchebags love alcohol. I'm not talking the occasional drink here and there. I'm talking: balls to the wall, 7 days a week, jagermeister-slammin' douchebaggery. These guys are pros too. They can go like 5 drinks deep with no buzz. Look for these warning signs:



Hope this clears some things up. If you find a douchebag near you, approach with caution.

It's good to be back, folks. Look for a new post soon.