The mind of a madmaN

It is 1:10 AM. Dave has ended. There is no good reason why MSNBC should still be covering the Democratic National Convention LIVE. This is crazy. I'm the only person left watching these five lunatics going at it. All of the old people retired to bed hours ago. This must be taped. No it isn't. The LIVE button is on. They can't lie about that. It's like a cable news no-no. It's like faking your grandma died- instant Hades. Ron Reagan is one of the panelists. He is embarrassing. Ok, we get it, Ronnie. You're a big flaming liberal. You hate your daddy, and now you're getting your revenge against whatever. You can talk about your stem cell research all you want, but you know what? I don't think you got your medical degree recently. You've got your pretty hair, but pretty hair doesn't mean you know jack about injecting fetus into spine, slick. Get a doctor up there and maybe I'll listen, but you Ron, are not cutting it. That's what's wrong with this whole dingamadoo; kids that don't know what they're talking about. Kids, in this case, are celebrities. Celebrities, that saw a Michael Moore movie, do not qualify as political analysts. Man, my spine hurts. I hope this isn't a sign. Subway sandwiches are delicious. I think I'm going to purchase one tomorrow. I never know what my response should be when they ask if I want cheese. I usually say "yes," but I get the impression that the hidden meaning of the query is "What kind of cheese do you want?" Subway offers a very worldly selection of 3, I believe. Some people say "no" to cheese entirely, I suspect, so they try to kill two birds with one stone. Not with me though, Subway Inquisition. My response of "yes" always leads to a pause, then a surprise cheese. I can never tell the difference, though, in cheeses. I don't know if I'm the only one like this. I'll pose the question to co-workers tomorrow. Who am I kidding? No I won't. Why do I think about quitting my job so much? Does everyone do this? I had a dream the other night of drop kicking the guy in Lawn and Garden, whose name I don't know, and then sliding down the escalator in glorious fashion. Work is a very awkward thing. You're forced to be around a large number of people, many of which, have names you do not know. I don't want to even think about the day I work in an industry that is nametag-less. Let the chaos begin, I say. Name tags are rather silly in the first place. I can't remember the last time I addressed someone at McDonald's or KFC by their name. Does anyone? Surely not. I think I'm going to make up a new tag tomorrow just to be experimental. It will say "Lunk Head" or perhaps "Emily." Whoever brings my fake identity to justice will receive a bar of SweetTarts or something. Gosh those SweetTarts come in numbers. What is the serving size on those things? Should they be eaten in a day? Surely not. I think those SweetTart corporate bastards assume their buyers are pathetic lads, who have to gain the satisfaction of their party through edible charity. So they stack on the tarts and sit back and laugh at the "Can I have one" 's from peers. It's 1:45. Ron is still going on...live. He's talking about celebrity endorsement. People that deem everything "ironic" are going down in '05.

Scovid Come Home

The picture below is both shocking and disturbing. You guessed right. This is the long lost child of my good friends Ovid and Scott. Viewer beware, I hope you've already had lunch. 
 
 
  
 

"Scovid"

Celebrity Elimidate

Television can be a wonderful outlet for drama, comedy, news and so much more, but there are times when television fails on us. When I think of the worst show on television, I think of a show that not only promotes nothing but negative values and potty mouths, but is all-around "forced" in delivery and presentation. The show I'm talking about is probably pretty obvious: Elimidate. If you haven't seen Elimidate, you're missing out, my friend. Stay up until midnight one weekday, flip over to WGN, and prepare to feel better about yourself and your lifestyle. The premise of the show is simple, yet ridiculous. Go on a date with four people. Little by little, the field is narrowed, until at the end of the 30 minute show, your perfect, one-and-only someone, match is found. Now that I have established the worst show ever made, I want to go beyond the bar: How can this show be any worse? Bingo- Celebrity Elimidate. Let's meet the contestants.

And in Elimidate fashion, here is the lady contestant, who is the most perfect person in the world. Surprisingly, there is a different "most perfect person in the world" every show.


Round 1


Round 1 usually takes place in an environment dominated by competition. Today is no exception. We'll be in a gym, and the fitness instructor is milking every second out of his 3 minutes of fame.


Mr. T, Volleyball Instructor

This is where we get a first glimpse at the assertiveness of each contestant. The most diligent will speak up first and try to be on Debbie's team. In this case, it's that wacky Screech and the showstopper, Regis Philbin. The Pope has yet to speak so far on the date. He and the Cryptkeeper are stuck with Coach T.


It doesn't take Regis Philbin long to make an ass out of himself. Screech counters by dropkicking him and then making a funny face. At the end of the volleyball session, Debbie must choose who is the first to go.



Round 2


In Round 2, the punches continue to fly, as each contestant makes condescending comments about how the other's career is "falling into an inescapable pit of scandal" or "becoming an embarrassing display of "bit" movie parts, caused by early career typecasts." Debbie interrupts though, and poses a question for each of the men.





Round 3


On Elimidate, Round 3 can always be summed up by the following formula:

A jacuzzi + Bud Lite = Instant Satisfaction


This doesn't last long, though, as the contestants remember they have to verbally bash each other and constantly make comments about how rich they are or how much of a slut the other is.



Regis Philbin and Screech then see how far they can slam their tongues down Debbie's throat, and as always on Elimidate, someone will bring up a threesome. In this case, it's Regis Philbin. It always happens. Keep an eye out.

Now its time for the final elimidation. Let's see what Debbie has to say.



After-Interview with Screech.


The match is made and the show is now over. And if you haven't been completely repulsed by the actions of members of the human race, the final picture usually goes something like this...



Maybe they're making popcorn together and are about to watch "Sleepless in Seattle." That's why the cameraman can't enter; because they'll have to gain the copyright privileges from the people at Columbia Tristar. Yeah, that's it. Take care folks, and tune in next time. Actually, don't. You're conscience will thank you for it.

Poly-Talk, with Mo' W

I attended the Democratic Rally Saturday afternoon in Raleigh, NC for John Kerry and John Edwards. This was your typical rally: hot, full of cheap candidate endorsements, o and insatiably hot. I'm not going to talk about how I saw a man turned away from the entrance because he had a shirt on that said "Bush/Cheney." I'm not going to talk about how Kerry's idea of tackling the issues is telling hundreds of stories about old people and children, or how much John Edwards gives the thumbs up. I'm not even going to comment about how incredibly, eye-poppingly, large Mrs. Edwards caboose was. I'm going to talk about what I knew least about going into the day, and how informed I feel now that the day is coming to a close. And that is Teresa Heinz Kerry. I'm just going to throw a word out that comes to mind: crazy. Now, don't get the wrong idea. I choose the word "crazy" in place of, say, "mad," because Mrs. Kerry had a sense of charisma when she spoke, as most crazy people do. "Mad" people are just sour butts all day. This charisma was like old man pee-spurts though, as it was abbreviated and "off and on" with colloquialism after tired colloquialism. It was if she was trying to burst out of her wife-mold and tell it like it is. Most intriguingly, I didn't feel her ten minute speech was about John Kerry or Edwards at all. She spoke about herself, and her opinions. These aren't the mannerisms of most first ladies or potentials I know, except for Hillary, but she's on her own nut wagon. I came away not knowing if this was a positive thing or not. I became very intrigued by this soft spoken lady and decided to look more into her. This is what I have learned:

Teresa Heinz Kerry isn't afraid to talk smack about America. She says things like "I understand why everyone hates us." She contradicts arguments her husband makes. She interrupts him during speeches, and speaks five languages at that. She has her own staff in Washington, and her own plane, "The Flying Squirrel." She's studied in South Africa, in Geneva with Kofi Annan, and in New York. Mrs. Kerry has traveled the world over, and is worth half a billion dollars, heir to the Heinz fortune, yeah that one. Holy Crap. Up until last year, she was a registered Republican. She is a loose cannon to the extreme. Here are a few quotations from conversations with people and reporters (I realize I just wrote "people and reporters." I was going to go back, but decided this was funnier, and consequently, more effective):

Campaigner~ I have ADHD, but I just want you to know I'm working my tail off for your husband,"
THK~ "But you're focused now, right?"

When an Orthodox Jew declined to shake her hand, Heinz Kerry responded "That's one way not to get diseases."

"Everybody has a prenup"

"He's Forrest Gump with an attitude." about Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, an opponent of her first husband.

When asked about her name, why she hasn't dropped Kerry, and why she still refers to John Heinz as "My husband," she responded "Now, politically, it's going to be Teresa Heinz Kerry, but I don't give a shit, you know?"

I like her. I like her a lot. She's not afraid to be funny. And I don't mean, "We've got better hair" funny. I mean "take a jab at the side those who oppose you" funny. Take a position in an argument and stand for it. Don't lollygag and play the safest card. You might be everybody's friend, but one day everyone will catch on to your tactics. Watch out for this cat. She's got something to say. You'll see her more. It's just a matter of time.

By the way, this is a picture of her. Not bad for 65, eh Mr. Watson? Actually, she looks like my Spanish teacher, who believed that Spain was the most perfect place in the world, and there is no pollution, nor are there dog fights in Spain...but that...is a story for another day. By the way, go out and vote. O, and...go usa.

Double Trouble

There are times in the productions of film, television, and life that we find those with multiple identities. Take a look at the two pictures below. Spoiler Ahead

Here we see Spiderman and Tobey Maguire. They are the same person. Look at the structure of their faces, the way their shoulders are positioned- the same. You can even tell they're the same by the look on their faces. They say "I can't wait to save Kirsten Dunst again, then sell out later for million dollar special effects, including lots of fire...cgi fire." Unlocking secret identities isn't always this easy though. Let's take Superman for example.

Above we see Superman and Superman with glasses. This mystery has plagued Teri Hatcher and Teri Hatcher's before her for ages. And with good reason. Superman and Superman with glasses look nothing alike. Look at how they stand. Superman stands to his left. Superman with glasses stands to his right. They're the same person though, aside from what rationalism and logical thinking might lead us to believe. You'll have to take my word for this one though. (or watch that episode with the time machine. You know what I'm talking about). Lets get to my point, though, with the picture below, NC State Student Body President, Tony Caravano.

Mr. Incredible, Tony Caravano
Tony Caravano stands for all that is good and true at NC State University. Tony always knows the right thing to say. "Change does not necessarily assure progress, but progress implacably requires change. Education is essential to change, for education creates both new wants and the ability to satisfy them." Tony didn't say that, but that would have been pretty sweet. Tony has wrestled and fought off alligators in the Florida Everglades to save baby turtles. When Chancellor Fox said "No" to education, Tony was there, and he said "I don't think so," then he threw a ninja star at her face, finishing her off for good. This was all later covered up with a story about Fox going to some fictitious school in California. It all happened though. On the other side of the spectrum, there's a man that represents all of the evil in the world...

Bad Guy, Paul Hewitt
This is Georgia Tech head basketball coach Paul Hewitt. Hewitt runs the point zone defense. If this isn't bad enough, let us analyze his history in the NCAA. Hewitt can single-handedly take any team out of a losing streak gutter and bring them to greatness. "This seems like a pro," the amateur might say. Wrong. The only explanation for Hewitt's incredible ability to achieve success so fast is that he has sold his soul to the devil-Not good. No refunds on that one, pal (Unless you make a good wish at the end, like in that movie "Bedazzled"). "Where's all this going?" you might ask. "Superman, CGI, Good, Evil,...I'm confused."

This is where it's going.

There's only one explanation:

NC State Student Body President Tony Caravano and Georgia Tech Head Basketball Coach Paul Hewitt...are the same person.

"What? This can't be possible," you're probably telling yourself. "Tony is all that is good, and Paul Hewitt sucks big time. Tony has ninja stars." I didn't want to believe it either, but look at the facts. Have you ever seen Paul Hewitt and Tony Caravano at the same time? No. Is their identical resemblance simply an unfortunate coincidence? Sadly, no. Where Superman and Superman with glasses, and Tobey Maguire and Spiderman are all good, this is a case of Jekyll and Hyde. By day, he is Tony, a man of the people, a man who fights for the good of all. By weekend, and sometimes Tuesday and even Thursday in some instances, he is Paul Hewitt, a raging madman, a narrow minded, crappy defense madman. We can only pray that Tony passes some decent freaking legislation before the salt of his impure potion runs dry and he hangs himself from the scaffolds in the cold, somber night.