The Top 10 Most Awesome Things...Ever
Are you ever walking the streets at 3 am after a late meeting at the office, or perhaps a strenuous night of illegal prostitution, and wondering to yourself, "Gee golly, What are the most awesome things ever?" This happened to me recently, and I decided to do something about it: quit selling my body away and find out what the most awesome things ever actually are. It took me weeks of research, scouring the globe through ancient worlds and metropolises, plus reading through stuff in big libraries and junk, you know, like in the scenes that suck in Indiana Jones movies. Just whip out the snakes and helicopters, and get on with it, dudes. Anyway, I think I've narrowed it down to a solid 10. Without further ado, the 10 most awesome things...ever.
Cake is the dark horse contender on the list. Cake is always there to comfort you when you're feeling down or blue, and its the best tasting food ever. I don't know why cake isn't the hands-down winner to be national food of the year, actually forever.
Whenever a blockbuster, smash hit movie comes out, there are people who come out of the woodwork to talk crap about it. They say things like "Velociraptors suck big time. They have little arms, and don't have the capabilities to breathe smoke out of their noses when it's cold, like we do. Blooper!" You know what I say to these people? ~ F you. Oh, and it's not smoke, Captain Science. Let's face it...Velociraptors wouldn't think twice about slamming some kid to the ground. Velociraptors probably love cake, and hate libertarians. That's "libertarians," smoke kid, not "librarians." Actually, librarians can suck it too.
Mountain Dew is the greatest beverage ever made by people. Actually, it probably wasn't made by people at all because it's so awesome. Robots with built-on chainsaws and lasers that can slice stuff in half with the push of a button probably thought of it. If I ever find out that I have like 2 weeks to live or something, I would tell them to hook Mountain Dew up to my veins, then I would jump out of a plane into a lake of Mountain Dew. Not completely filled with Dew though, just like half and half. I mean, I'm not crazy.
Chainsaws are the sweetest tools ever made. Think about it. They can just cut through stuff for no reason. I don't know why more sports don't involve just hurling them at cows or snakes or something, and be judged accordingly. In fact, I don't know why I'm not chainsawing something in half right now.
Monkeys are so badass. I can't even describe them with words or sounds. Monkeys can kick and do flips, and eat cereal, and go to the bank and jump out of airplanes, and could probably drive a forklift, provided they had differently colored shapes and patterns for knobs and steering controls. I can't even believe there is anything on the list after monkeys.
Wait, Yes I can. Monkeys with chainsaws. Take one badass thing and put it with another. Monkeys with chainsaws! Think of the possibilities. They could cut through houses, or midgets, or traffic lights. They would be an unstoppable rebel force.
I don't know how this got on the list. Let's pretend this never happened.
This is the real number 4. If you don't know who Mario Williams is, well....you're about to find out. Mario Williams is the best defensive end ever to walk the earth. He plays for NC State, and he's bigger than like eight of me combined. This is the kind of guy who can rip a phone book in half or pop a basketball with his bare hands. You can easily replace "phone book" in the last sentence with "little kid," or "basketball" with "dude's skull." Mario Williams has also been recorded as the tallest man in the world, illustrated below.
"Space Jam, Mo'?" Yes, Space Jam. This is the best movie ever made, by like a really large margin. Larger than the length of MJ's arm in that scene at the end, when he tomahawked that basketball all over the Monstar scum. This movie has everything-conflict, wit, MJ, greed, Bill Murray, quality acting, fight scenes, robots, scenes where guys get their guts ripped out, Charles Barkley, and a cast of toons that deliver an off-the-wall, goofy performance for kids and adults of all ages. I mean think about it. If MJ hadn't jammed that basketball in the end, the toons would have been doomed to a life of imprisonment and slavery under the iron fist of the evil Monstars. All of life's questions can be answered just by turning to this movie~ Is it ok to cheat and make your arm long in the end if it means helping others? Yes. Does gaining the super fast and ultra-powerful abilities of athletes like Muggsy Bogues and Patrick Ewing, by sucking them out of their ears, really enough to take on Michael Jordan, the greatest athlete to ever play the game? No, No it isn't. So, the next time you're confused by life's twists and turns, pop in Space Jam, and wait for the answers to come.
Lumberjacks barely need explaining. So I won't.
SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal is the most awesome thing...ever. Stay with me here. Do you remember Captain Crunch as a kid, and how delicious it was. Now, take that and combine it with 100%, unrefined, crack cocaine. Then you have SpongeBob SquarePants cereal.
This stuff is so addictive. I have at least 7 boxes in my cabinets on any given day, well I mean, except when company comes over and we all dine on SpongeBob cereal while discussing stocks and bonds and stuff. Below is a picture of a kid in love with SpongeBob Cereal, just like everyone else who has ever had greater than or equal to one bite.
There you have it: The 10 Most Awesome Things Ever. If you think there may be a mistake and perhaps something was overlooked, well you're wrong. This is it. I did research. I think I know. Notably, some of the honorable mentions include Mr. T, The Muffin Man, Payday candy bars...The list goes on and on. Thanks for hanging in there. See you next time.
posted by Mo' Shmo at
1:30 AM
