The mind of a madmaN

I haven't done my blog thing lately. O crap. People are going to think I'm not funny anymore. I'd better be hilarious. Hardcore hilarious. So...I've started riding the public transportation system recently. What sick mind invented this thing? It's always named something cute too, like "Cat Bus," or in my case, "Wolf Line." It isn't cute though. It's awkward. Damn awkward. After if gets to your stop 15 minutes late, you're forced to cram into what i call a "half-a-cheek" seat, on either side of the bus. Here comes the most awkward part of the trip. Pay attention. Everyone is thinking the exact same thing: Where am I supposed to look? For some reason, our natural instincts tell us to look toward the front of the bus. "That's how real cars work," our minds say. Then a feeling of silliness comes over us. "Why am I bending my head to look toward the front? What the hell is wrong with me?" So we turn and look to the sides of the bus, a more natural position, logic says. Big mistake. This is when we make eye contact with the guy with a shirt on that illustrates an endangered animal getting ripped apart by killer tarantulas or something. He's already sweating like a fat man at a Thong Clinic, and its only 8:30 am. Then the next stop comes, and so many people get on, that you don't have to worry about awkward glances anymore, because you've got some guy's crotch in your face because he has to stand. The worst part about the entire endeavor is that it never comes on time. "Every ten minutes" in bus lingo, means every 28 minutes to real world folk. I'm going to have to start law breaking and park in illegal spaces if I want to be on time, comfortable with myself and my decisions, and not smell like a foot. F you, system. go texas.

Who the Hell is Michael Badnarik?

Michael Badnarik did not wrestle alligators in the Florida Everglades to save baby turtles when they were hatching in the full moon. He isn't a ninja, an Eskimo, an astronaut, a UPS truck driver, a munchkin or any other of the coolest jobs in the world. He has probably never used a chainsaw for any activity other than chopping wood in two. Michael Badnarik has never dropkicked a polar bear, nor has he driven a car at 85+ mph off a ramp through fire and junk. You've probably got millions of questions about Michael Badnarik already, but I bet this is the biggest: Who the hell is Michael Badnarik?

526 day Jeopardy Champion, Ken Jennings





That's right. Michael Badnarik is the Libertarian candidate for president in 2004. "Who cares?" you might be asking yourself. You're right. No one cares. Well, maybe not no one, but few. Today I'm going to tell you why no one cares about Michael Badnarik with a series of graphs, analytical charts, and some surveys; actual ridiculous...ridiculous surveys. If you're already bored, fear not, because the good stuff is yet to come.

Let us first get to know Michael Badnarik. Here he is:


Bad Guy, Michael Badnarik

Badnarik was born in Hammond, Indiana in 1954. I have no idea where that is, nor do I know of anything else that happened in 1954 (besides that world war thing**). He was a boy scout and went to college for marine biology and later chemistry. He did some stuff with the Red Cross, and for most of his life, he has worked in Computer Programming. "It doesn't seem like he would know crap about presidentin'," some would say. I'm not going to judge these people, but his only real political leadership was "Executive Vice-President of his dormitory at Indiana University."
Wow.

I know what you're thinking. "Mo', you a-hole! You're just trying to discredit this guy with your fancy talking and undeniable facts. He's probably a good man!"

Maybe. But I believe that in order to be a good man, you have to have your values in the right place. I know what I know about Michael Badnarik from a couple of "Newsweek" or "US World News" articles, in addition to his own website at www.badnarik.org. This man, as well as the Libertarian party, are messed up value-wise, though.

Mom used to tell me, "Mo'ers, Left-handed people make up the smartest people in the world. They also account for the dumbest." I imagine that the Libertarian party is made up of a lot of left-handed people. I'm not sure if there has ever been a survey to merit this hypothesis, and I would probably be proven wrong anyway, but this is my point: Most people I meet that claim to be Libertarian, are very intelligent people. Why are they Libertarians? Am I the one who hasn't seen the light? Lets take a look at their party's policies.

1. Libertarians Love Concealed Weapons.
~No official is going to take away my right to protect myself.

2. Libertarians Love marijuana.
~I do it in my own home. I'm not hurting anybody. Go catch some real criminals. F you, cops.

3. Libertarians Hate the FBI and the CIA.
~Just more of my tax dollars going to voo doo protection.

4. Libertarians Hate War.
~Lets just mind our own business.

5. Libertarians Love Gay Marriage, (or at least would propose its sanction)
The individual decides if they like Eve or Steve, not the flipping government.

6. Libertarians Love Civil Liberties
Leave me alone, government. I do what I want.

7. Libertarians Love Surveys.
First Choice for President
43% Bush
46% Kerry
3% Badnarik
Second Choice for President
9% Bush
7% Kerry
43% Badnarik
~We've practically won it.


"Mo', you've lost me," you might be saying. "These are some of the values of pure Democrats and Republicans too. What's wrong with believing some of each?" I've made some Political Roadmaps O' Fun to present just why this is so bad. Let's first take a look at the Republican Roadmap.

Notice how the Republican path is pretty straight and narrow. Some might even call it "boring." The first stop on the Republican car is the bank. Republicans...love...capitalism. They love everything about it. Ask a Republican about capitalism, and he'll tell you about how his great great step uncle invented it after kicking ass in some war. Some call it a vice, while others deem it a necessity, but Republicans love guns. They believe in the second amendment like they do changing underwear. The Republicans say no! to marijuana and they avoid gays completely, represented here by "David's Bridal." Ultimately, the Republican car heads to freedom. And now the Democratic car.

The first stop for the Democrats is Ken's marijuana shop. Democrats are split as far as drug policy goes, but a majority believes in an end to the Drug War and medicinal marijuana for all. Democrats stop at the bank, not because they love capitalism, but because they love money. They love spending it too...on everything: the rainforest, space programs, education, pollution, koala bears, everything. The Democratic path skews more than the Republican, taking more risks, as noted by the 360 in the middle of nowhere, followed by some off road action. The car then goes out of its way to save the tree on the map. Like the Republicans, Democrats try not to touch the topic of homosexuality, mostly because it's so controversial. If they're asked about it, they say "Go equality!" Ultimately, the goal of Democrats is also freedom.

The Libertarian map goes something like this:

As stated before, Libertarians love marijuana. In fact, it's usually one of the principle issues of their party. After a quick pick-me-up, they stop at the bank. As many know, banks issue currency. And currency is printed by the federal government. "Did somebody say 'federal'?" Burn it down!" Anything that relates in anyway to the federal government is shunned by Libertarians. Then its back to Ken's Marijuana Shop, because...well, we know why. Then it's Gun World time! "The more guns the better," say Libertarians. They also stock up on grenades, which they use to kill a nearby monkey. Here, the monkey represents "reason." Next Stop: David's Bridal. They pick up some workers, but unfortunately crash into a nearby tree. This is caused by their inability to swerve due to excessive passenger weight caused by too much marijuana, machine guns, grenades, and David's Bridal workers. Freedom is never reached.

With all of modern day vices in the Libertarian's pocket, they believe they have achieved freedom for all, but they have only achieved individual freedom. They do not make the United States a better place for its citizens. Libertarians only think of themselves. This is one of the main reasons they value civil liberties so highly. They believe that if it works for them, and they will take responsibility for their actions, then everyone will. This also explains why so many Libertarians are smart, upstanding people. They believe they will never let their vices get out hand, and most probably won't, but they don't think of others. They don't think of those that will misuse the ability to have concealed weapons. They don't think of those that will let marijuana slowly creep into their lives and destroy them. The Libertarians response to messages like these?- "That's not my fault. Everyone is responsible for their own actions." This is true, but you can't have a society of lawlessness and expect everyone to do the right thing. I often become trivial in analyses, but please take something from my article today. Republicans and Democrats may not have perfect parties, but lawlessness is not a quality of a first world country. Mr. Badnarik, you may not be so bad afterall. You just have your values in the wrong place. O yeah, and go usa. Ken Jennings in '04.

**Note: It has been pointed out by an extremely astute reader that World War II ended September 2, 1945, which is, as mathematicians may point out, 9 years prior to 1954. Instead of pretending to be referring to a "World War on Gas Prices" or something, I'm just going to call the mistake on this one, sort of like one of those third grade mistakes. You know, where you had spelling words and had to make sentences out of each word, and every now and then you would come across a word that you tried to make such an extremely kick ass sentence out of that you absent mindedly forgot to use the spelling word itself in the sentence. It's like that, except throwing in me in place of the troubled youth.