GPLD - The Group Photo Lay Down

Make sure you're here to see the full article. Facebook sucks at importing.

There is a group of people out there, sent from far away lands to plague humanity. They terrorize our streets and corrupt the minds of our young.

"Canadians"?

No, not Canadians.

"People that work at Time Warner Cable"?

No, but you're getting warmer.

"That lady police officer that you see at Subway sometimes, who becomes like 8 times more attractive because she carries a gun and wears shiny shoes?"

Wait, was third-person-me or real-me talking there?

Anyway, I'm talking about a very select group of people: People who lay down in front of group photos. Let's take a look:

We all know these people. They live among us. One thought goes through their minds when somebody suggests a group photo.- "How am I going to stand out in a group of 15+ individuals? I know! I'll just lay down right in front of everybody. That will be hilarious and fun!"



The "Lay-Down" is probably the ultimate in group photo self-absorption. If you have experienced this condition yourself, there is probably no hope. However, there may be some early warning signs to help you combat a possible case of a group photo lay-down or GPLD. They include:

Uncontrollable Flailing Arms

Uncontrollable flailing arms are the marijuana to the lay-down's heroine. They are a way to say, "I don't have the nerve to get in front of everybody, but I'm definitely going to rock it out in the back.

Inappropriate Crotch Shot


The inappropriate crotch shot takes what would potentially be a respectable picture, and turns the focus to a single point. The camera itself is tricked into focusing on the perpetrator's crotch, and the picture is ruined.

Which brings us to...

Being Completely Unaware of Anyone Around You


This guy is like 2 pictures away from just plopping down right in front of the camera. He is completely unaware of those around him, and is doing the best job that he can to draw any future viewer of the picture to him and only him.



The girl in the picture is even mentally calling him out. He is completely unaware.
So those are the warning signs. You may be wondering, "How do I stop this? Give me the tools I need to fight it." People that lay down in front of group photos have several warlock tricks that they use to gain front-seat photo access. Knowing these tricks will help us combat them:

1. They offer to take the picture. They set the camera to auto-flash and then they run into the shot and fall down in front so that they don't "block anyone in the frame." Nice try, LD's. We're on to this trick.

2. If they aren't the picture-taker, they typically wait until the end to join a photo. They wait until everyone is set, and then so as not to alter the 'symmetry' of the picture, they create an extra 'tier' in the front.

3. They seek the approval of a weaker member of the group. A typical example:

LD: "Hey Chip, how smokin' awesome would it be if I laid down in front of this photo"

Chip: "That would be pretty much the lamest thi..."

LD: "Yeah! I'm gonna do it!"

Don't be fooled by the trickery of a GPLD. They wait for everyone to let their guards down, and then they strike. If you haven't already been victimized, you surely will be, and you can use this guide to bring these people to justice.

How to Spot a Douchebag on Facebook

I know a lot of you read the title of this blog and thought "DOUCHEBAGS ON FACEBOOK? Aren't there like 50 times as many douchebags on MySpace? You're way off base here, Mo." This is a valid point. From my perspective, MySpace is a lost cause...a cesspool of fake hot girls and weird guys who message them. Facebook still has a chance though. I believe in it, and we have to fight for it before it is lost to the douchebags of the world.

So I've put together a guide to help you better identify these douchebags of Facebook. Let's start with a classic DB thumbnail:

"This looks like an upstanding citizen with a diversified stock portfolio, vintage collection of fine wines, and a good head on his shoulders," you might be saying to yourself. Don't be fooled, reader. After some careful research, I have determined that this fellow is, in fact, a douchebag. Let's take a look at the evidence:



Exhibit A: Ridiculous Haircut
A douchebag is drawn to a ridiculous haircut like a leprechaun in a rainbow factory. DB's have little to offer to conversations, so to compensate they do what they know best: Steer the conversation to themselves and their wacky-ass haircuts.

Exhibit B: Non-Mustache Facial Hair
The "d-bag tag" has stormed the world over as a clear and undeniable symbol for the common douchebag. Remember...the thinner, the douchier.

POP QUIZ:
Based on what you've learned about douchebag facial hair, which group below contains douchebags?



Scroll over the text below for the correct answer.

***

The correct answer is Group A. If you guessed Group B (which if you hadn't noticed is 4 identical pictures of American hero Tom Selleck) go back to the beginning of this article and reread because you have obviously learned nothing.

***

Exhibit C: Impromptu Muscle Flex

which can easily be married with...

Exhibit D: Size:Small Shirt
Both of these factors revolve around the same thing: Douchebags love to get buff and let people know about it. The smaller and tighter the shirt, the better. These guys are easy to spot at the gym. They are the ones making so much noise while lifting weights.

And perhaps the saddest exhibit of all...

Exhibit E: The Unknowing Virgin
The unknowing virgin will have lost the battle before she even knows what hit her. Douchebags hunt them down like a 3-legged zebra at a cheetah party. Please alert your local virgin to the dangers of douchebags and the havoc they bring.


Now let us explore some of the Facebook profile information associated with a douchebag.



Don't be fooled by some of the carefully selected job lingo the DB may use to describe what he does. First identify the name and business practices of the company. In this case, it's Netflix, the mail-order movie company. Respectable enough, but check out the job title: Content Acquisition Specialist. This dude is obviously the guy who receives return-movies in envelopes. Also notice the warlock tricks of the douchebag: He claims to work at the "Corporate Office" and as always....is a total douche about it.

Finally, if all else fails in trying to identify a douchebag, remember this: Douchebags love alcohol. I'm not talking the occasional drink here and there. I'm talking: balls to the wall, 7 days a week, jagermeister-slammin' douchebaggery. These guys are pros too. They can go like 5 drinks deep with no buzz. Look for these warning signs:



Hope this clears some things up. If you find a douchebag near you, approach with caution.

It's good to be back, folks. Look for a new post soon.

The Blog is Back in Town

After over 3 years of absence, I have decided to bring back the blog. We're doing it up right too! 1997 style! You might be asking, "Mo', three years!?! Really? Did you get attacked by a grizzley bear or something?" My answer to that question comes in 2 parts:

1. Grizzly is not spelled with an 'e.' and
2. Yes.

And I've got the first 3 entries already laid out in my head. Are you as excited as me? I know I am! **Error: Circular Reference** Shut up Microsoft! I do what I want!

So sit back, relax, and be prepared for the funnies. A lot has changed in three years, and I may start shooting some video entries, 2006 style.

Mo!, Mo!, Where did you go?

Dear Mo',
I'm a loving fan who has read and laughed with you for years. I remember the time when liberals tried to get their way with you, and you said "No, Liberals!" then drop kicked them in the face. I remember the time when you bought a monkey and tried to raise it as a young child that wore small pants, when in only a week later, it ripped your cheek off in your sleep. I didn't even think that was anatomically possible, but it really happened Mo'. This leads to my point~ WHERE THE F HAVE YOU BEEN?! Every other week, I click my 'Favorites' tab and scroll down to "There's a Frog Stuck to my Nose," only to find that article about the Top 10 Best Things. I mean...that thing is fricking hilarious, but I've read it like 11 times. I need more! I hope you didn't die or something. Please respond.

Yours Truly,
Ashley Ballstein

Dear Ashley,
I approach this response with a comma (,) following your name rather than the business-like colon (:) because that's what I'm all about, Ash: fun, good times, and happy people. But you don't seem happy right now Ashley, so let's address that. It's true that I haven't written an article since September 20, 2004, over three months ago. It is also true that I have promised many people that a new article would be posted as early as November. This, unfortunately, was a flat out lie. Actually, it wasn't really a lie. It was a case where I believed there to be weapons of mass destruction, had evidence of weapons of mass destruction, and had every intention of finding weapons of mass destruction, but in the end, no WMDs. To justify, Ashley, college has been a tough and grinding road. I will continue to post blogs, but not in a steady bi- or tri-weekly fashion until the summer of '05. Until then, you can read sites like The Best Page in the Universe. This fellow really is one of the best around. Take care my friend and stay tuned because the "lied-about" blog is still on my drawing board and will be coming soon. I'll see you around.

Sincerely,
Mo' W Shmo

The Top 10 Most Awesome Things...Ever

Are you ever walking the streets at 3 am after a late meeting at the office, or perhaps a strenuous night of illegal prostitution, and wondering to yourself, "Gee golly, What are the most awesome things ever?" This happened to me recently, and I decided to do something about it: quit selling my body away and find out what the most awesome things ever actually are. It took me weeks of research, scouring the globe through ancient worlds and metropolises, plus reading through stuff in big libraries and junk, you know, like in the scenes that suck in Indiana Jones movies. Just whip out the snakes and helicopters, and get on with it, dudes. Anyway, I think I've narrowed it down to a solid 10. Without further ado, the 10 most awesome things...ever.

Cake is the dark horse contender on the list. Cake is always there to comfort you when you're feeling down or blue, and its the best tasting food ever. I don't know why cake isn't the hands-down winner to be national food of the year, actually forever.

Whenever a blockbuster, smash hit movie comes out, there are people who come out of the woodwork to talk crap about it. They say things like "Velociraptors suck big time. They have little arms, and don't have the capabilities to breathe smoke out of their noses when it's cold, like we do. Blooper!" You know what I say to these people? ~ F you. Oh, and it's not smoke, Captain Science. Let's face it...Velociraptors wouldn't think twice about slamming some kid to the ground. Velociraptors probably love cake, and hate libertarians. That's "libertarians," smoke kid, not "librarians." Actually, librarians can suck it too.

Mountain Dew is the greatest beverage ever made by people. Actually, it probably wasn't made by people at all because it's so awesome. Robots with built-on chainsaws and lasers that can slice stuff in half with the push of a button probably thought of it. If I ever find out that I have like 2 weeks to live or something, I would tell them to hook Mountain Dew up to my veins, then I would jump out of a plane into a lake of Mountain Dew. Not completely filled with Dew though, just like half and half. I mean, I'm not crazy.

Chainsaws are the sweetest tools ever made. Think about it. They can just cut through stuff for no reason. I don't know why more sports don't involve just hurling them at cows or snakes or something, and be judged accordingly. In fact, I don't know why I'm not chainsawing something in half right now.

Monkeys are so badass. I can't even describe them with words or sounds. Monkeys can kick and do flips, and eat cereal, and go to the bank and jump out of airplanes, and could probably drive a forklift, provided they had differently colored shapes and patterns for knobs and steering controls. I can't even believe there is anything on the list after monkeys.

Wait, Yes I can. Monkeys with chainsaws. Take one badass thing and put it with another. Monkeys with chainsaws! Think of the possibilities. They could cut through houses, or midgets, or traffic lights. They would be an unstoppable rebel force.

I don't know how this got on the list. Let's pretend this never happened.

This is the real number 4. If you don't know who Mario Williams is, well....you're about to find out. Mario Williams is the best defensive end ever to walk the earth. He plays for NC State, and he's bigger than like eight of me combined. This is the kind of guy who can rip a phone book in half or pop a basketball with his bare hands. You can easily replace "phone book" in the last sentence with "little kid," or "basketball" with "dude's skull." Mario Williams has also been recorded as the tallest man in the world, illustrated below.

Mario Williams, Tallest Man in the World

"Space Jam, Mo'?" Yes, Space Jam. This is the best movie ever made, by like a really large margin. Larger than the length of MJ's arm in that scene at the end, when he tomahawked that basketball all over the Monstar scum. This movie has everything-conflict, wit, MJ, greed, Bill Murray, quality acting, fight scenes, robots, scenes where guys get their guts ripped out, Charles Barkley, and a cast of toons that deliver an off-the-wall, goofy performance for kids and adults of all ages. I mean think about it. If MJ hadn't jammed that basketball in the end, the toons would have been doomed to a life of imprisonment and slavery under the iron fist of the evil Monstars. All of life's questions can be answered just by turning to this movie~ Is it ok to cheat and make your arm long in the end if it means helping others? Yes. Does gaining the super fast and ultra-powerful abilities of athletes like Muggsy Bogues and Patrick Ewing, by sucking them out of their ears, really enough to take on Michael Jordan, the greatest athlete to ever play the game? No, No it isn't. So, the next time you're confused by life's twists and turns, pop in Space Jam, and wait for the answers to come.

Lumberjacks barely need explaining. So I won't.

SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal is the most awesome thing...ever. Stay with me here. Do you remember Captain Crunch as a kid, and how delicious it was. Now, take that and combine it with 100%, unrefined, crack cocaine. Then you have SpongeBob SquarePants cereal.

This stuff is so addictive. I have at least 7 boxes in my cabinets on any given day, well I mean, except when company comes over and we all dine on SpongeBob cereal while discussing stocks and bonds and stuff. Below is a picture of a kid in love with SpongeBob Cereal, just like everyone else who has ever had greater than or equal to one bite.

Loves SpongeBob Cereal

There you have it: The 10 Most Awesome Things Ever. If you think there may be a mistake and perhaps something was overlooked, well you're wrong. This is it. I did research. I think I know. Notably, some of the honorable mentions include Mr. T, The Muffin Man, Payday candy bars...The list goes on and on. Thanks for hanging in there. See you next time.

The mind of a madmaN

I haven't done my blog thing lately. O crap. People are going to think I'm not funny anymore. I'd better be hilarious. Hardcore hilarious. So...I've started riding the public transportation system recently. What sick mind invented this thing? It's always named something cute too, like "Cat Bus," or in my case, "Wolf Line." It isn't cute though. It's awkward. Damn awkward. After if gets to your stop 15 minutes late, you're forced to cram into what i call a "half-a-cheek" seat, on either side of the bus. Here comes the most awkward part of the trip. Pay attention. Everyone is thinking the exact same thing: Where am I supposed to look? For some reason, our natural instincts tell us to look toward the front of the bus. "That's how real cars work," our minds say. Then a feeling of silliness comes over us. "Why am I bending my head to look toward the front? What the hell is wrong with me?" So we turn and look to the sides of the bus, a more natural position, logic says. Big mistake. This is when we make eye contact with the guy with a shirt on that illustrates an endangered animal getting ripped apart by killer tarantulas or something. He's already sweating like a fat man at a Thong Clinic, and its only 8:30 am. Then the next stop comes, and so many people get on, that you don't have to worry about awkward glances anymore, because you've got some guy's crotch in your face because he has to stand. The worst part about the entire endeavor is that it never comes on time. "Every ten minutes" in bus lingo, means every 28 minutes to real world folk. I'm going to have to start law breaking and park in illegal spaces if I want to be on time, comfortable with myself and my decisions, and not smell like a foot. F you, system. go texas.

Who the Hell is Michael Badnarik?

Michael Badnarik did not wrestle alligators in the Florida Everglades to save baby turtles when they were hatching in the full moon. He isn't a ninja, an Eskimo, an astronaut, a UPS truck driver, a munchkin or any other of the coolest jobs in the world. He has probably never used a chainsaw for any activity other than chopping wood in two. Michael Badnarik has never dropkicked a polar bear, nor has he driven a car at 85+ mph off a ramp through fire and junk. You've probably got millions of questions about Michael Badnarik already, but I bet this is the biggest: Who the hell is Michael Badnarik?

526 day Jeopardy Champion, Ken Jennings





That's right. Michael Badnarik is the Libertarian candidate for president in 2004. "Who cares?" you might be asking yourself. You're right. No one cares. Well, maybe not no one, but few. Today I'm going to tell you why no one cares about Michael Badnarik with a series of graphs, analytical charts, and some surveys; actual ridiculous...ridiculous surveys. If you're already bored, fear not, because the good stuff is yet to come.

Let us first get to know Michael Badnarik. Here he is:


Bad Guy, Michael Badnarik

Badnarik was born in Hammond, Indiana in 1954. I have no idea where that is, nor do I know of anything else that happened in 1954 (besides that world war thing**). He was a boy scout and went to college for marine biology and later chemistry. He did some stuff with the Red Cross, and for most of his life, he has worked in Computer Programming. "It doesn't seem like he would know crap about presidentin'," some would say. I'm not going to judge these people, but his only real political leadership was "Executive Vice-President of his dormitory at Indiana University."
Wow.

I know what you're thinking. "Mo', you a-hole! You're just trying to discredit this guy with your fancy talking and undeniable facts. He's probably a good man!"

Maybe. But I believe that in order to be a good man, you have to have your values in the right place. I know what I know about Michael Badnarik from a couple of "Newsweek" or "US World News" articles, in addition to his own website at www.badnarik.org. This man, as well as the Libertarian party, are messed up value-wise, though.

Mom used to tell me, "Mo'ers, Left-handed people make up the smartest people in the world. They also account for the dumbest." I imagine that the Libertarian party is made up of a lot of left-handed people. I'm not sure if there has ever been a survey to merit this hypothesis, and I would probably be proven wrong anyway, but this is my point: Most people I meet that claim to be Libertarian, are very intelligent people. Why are they Libertarians? Am I the one who hasn't seen the light? Lets take a look at their party's policies.

1. Libertarians Love Concealed Weapons.
~No official is going to take away my right to protect myself.

2. Libertarians Love marijuana.
~I do it in my own home. I'm not hurting anybody. Go catch some real criminals. F you, cops.

3. Libertarians Hate the FBI and the CIA.
~Just more of my tax dollars going to voo doo protection.

4. Libertarians Hate War.
~Lets just mind our own business.

5. Libertarians Love Gay Marriage, (or at least would propose its sanction)
The individual decides if they like Eve or Steve, not the flipping government.

6. Libertarians Love Civil Liberties
Leave me alone, government. I do what I want.

7. Libertarians Love Surveys.
First Choice for President
43% Bush
46% Kerry
3% Badnarik
Second Choice for President
9% Bush
7% Kerry
43% Badnarik
~We've practically won it.


"Mo', you've lost me," you might be saying. "These are some of the values of pure Democrats and Republicans too. What's wrong with believing some of each?" I've made some Political Roadmaps O' Fun to present just why this is so bad. Let's first take a look at the Republican Roadmap.

Notice how the Republican path is pretty straight and narrow. Some might even call it "boring." The first stop on the Republican car is the bank. Republicans...love...capitalism. They love everything about it. Ask a Republican about capitalism, and he'll tell you about how his great great step uncle invented it after kicking ass in some war. Some call it a vice, while others deem it a necessity, but Republicans love guns. They believe in the second amendment like they do changing underwear. The Republicans say no! to marijuana and they avoid gays completely, represented here by "David's Bridal." Ultimately, the Republican car heads to freedom. And now the Democratic car.

The first stop for the Democrats is Ken's marijuana shop. Democrats are split as far as drug policy goes, but a majority believes in an end to the Drug War and medicinal marijuana for all. Democrats stop at the bank, not because they love capitalism, but because they love money. They love spending it too...on everything: the rainforest, space programs, education, pollution, koala bears, everything. The Democratic path skews more than the Republican, taking more risks, as noted by the 360 in the middle of nowhere, followed by some off road action. The car then goes out of its way to save the tree on the map. Like the Republicans, Democrats try not to touch the topic of homosexuality, mostly because it's so controversial. If they're asked about it, they say "Go equality!" Ultimately, the goal of Democrats is also freedom.

The Libertarian map goes something like this:

As stated before, Libertarians love marijuana. In fact, it's usually one of the principle issues of their party. After a quick pick-me-up, they stop at the bank. As many know, banks issue currency. And currency is printed by the federal government. "Did somebody say 'federal'?" Burn it down!" Anything that relates in anyway to the federal government is shunned by Libertarians. Then its back to Ken's Marijuana Shop, because...well, we know why. Then it's Gun World time! "The more guns the better," say Libertarians. They also stock up on grenades, which they use to kill a nearby monkey. Here, the monkey represents "reason." Next Stop: David's Bridal. They pick up some workers, but unfortunately crash into a nearby tree. This is caused by their inability to swerve due to excessive passenger weight caused by too much marijuana, machine guns, grenades, and David's Bridal workers. Freedom is never reached.

With all of modern day vices in the Libertarian's pocket, they believe they have achieved freedom for all, but they have only achieved individual freedom. They do not make the United States a better place for its citizens. Libertarians only think of themselves. This is one of the main reasons they value civil liberties so highly. They believe that if it works for them, and they will take responsibility for their actions, then everyone will. This also explains why so many Libertarians are smart, upstanding people. They believe they will never let their vices get out hand, and most probably won't, but they don't think of others. They don't think of those that will misuse the ability to have concealed weapons. They don't think of those that will let marijuana slowly creep into their lives and destroy them. The Libertarians response to messages like these?- "That's not my fault. Everyone is responsible for their own actions." This is true, but you can't have a society of lawlessness and expect everyone to do the right thing. I often become trivial in analyses, but please take something from my article today. Republicans and Democrats may not have perfect parties, but lawlessness is not a quality of a first world country. Mr. Badnarik, you may not be so bad afterall. You just have your values in the wrong place. O yeah, and go usa. Ken Jennings in '04.

**Note: It has been pointed out by an extremely astute reader that World War II ended September 2, 1945, which is, as mathematicians may point out, 9 years prior to 1954. Instead of pretending to be referring to a "World War on Gas Prices" or something, I'm just going to call the mistake on this one, sort of like one of those third grade mistakes. You know, where you had spelling words and had to make sentences out of each word, and every now and then you would come across a word that you tried to make such an extremely kick ass sentence out of that you absent mindedly forgot to use the spelling word itself in the sentence. It's like that, except throwing in me in place of the troubled youth.